One-Liners

( W )

Wedding

* Nobody ever gives a groom a shower because he’ll be in hot water soon enough.

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* Wedding have become so expensive, that now it’s the father who breaks down and cries.

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* If you invite only married couples to your wedding, the presents are clear profit. {ig}

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Weight

She’s the only woman I know who has to wear a stretch bathrobe!

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Wife

My wife always puts off today what the maid can do tomorrow.

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My wife’s always got her mouth open. When we go to the beach she has tanned tonsils!

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I’m in the rat race. My wife bets on the rats.

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We stay together because of the children. They’re marriage counselors.

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Win and Lose

Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win. ~ Vinnie Jones

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* Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons {ig}

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Winter

I always have the same problem in cold weather: How to get my car started in the morning and my wife at night!

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At night the temperature goes to 10 below zero. Kinda reminds me of my first wife.

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Women

* Most women are either trying to put on weight, take it off, or rearrange it. {ig}

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* When a woman suffers in silence, it means her phone is out of order. {ig}

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* Two percent of all women are misinformed. The rest have phones.

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* The only thing most women regret about their past is the length.

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* The average woman can talk faster than any husband can listen.

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* Nothing ages a woman faster than having her friends guess how old she is. {ig}

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* When a woman begins to show her age, she begins to hide it. {ig}

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* Generally speaking, women are mostly generally speaking. {ig}

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* The is only one bad woman in the world and every husband thinks she is his wife.

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* Now that I finally understand women, my wife won’t let me out of the house. {ig}

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We love women in proportion to their degree of strangeness to us. ~ Charles Baudelaire

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* What does a woman want? More. ~ Chris Evans

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My wife has a black belt in body language. ~ Daren King

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I hate women because they always know where things are. ~ Voltaire

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Woman Driver

* When she parks the car she always plays the radio very loud so she won’t hear the crash.

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* Don’t tell me the carburetor is dirty. I had the car washed yesterday!

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* They now have cars built especially for women. The fenders are inside.

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* I respect women drivers. I always give them half of the road just as soon as I figure out which half they want.

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My wife is a careful driver. She always drives on the sidewalk just to avoid traffic.

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* “Honey, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, the air bag works…” {ig}

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Work

* The only thing you can get without working is hungry. (ig)

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* I won’t allow my wife go to work. I’m afraid to stay home alone. (ig)

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* It takes some people an hour to get to work – after they get there. {ig}

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* She used to work for her husband until she got him.

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* My new job is killing me. It’s hard work, day after day. But I’m glad it’s permanent. {ig}

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* The reason worry kills more people than work is that people worry than work. {ig}

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* These days if you want to relax you really have to work for it. {ig}

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* He stops working after he found a job. {ig}

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* The trouble with the rat race is that if you win, you’re still a rat. ~ Lily Tomlin (ig)

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* Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live. ~ Margaret Fuller {ig}

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* The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation. ~ Mark Twain {ig}

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* Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. ~ Katherine Whitehorn

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Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it. ~ Harry Bauer

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* Whoever looks for easy work, goes to bed very tired. ~ Yiddish proverb {ig}

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* There are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there. ~ Indira Gandhi told by her grandfather

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Worry

* Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff. ~ Robert Eliot (ig)

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A person must try to worry about things that aren’t important so he won’t worry too much about things that are. ~ Jack Smith

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* Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due. ~ Dean W.R.Inge

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* I highly recommend worrying. It is much more effective than dieting. ~ William Powell

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Writing

There is a book for people who disagree: a contradictionary.

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It is silly to spend six months writing a novel when you can buy one for three dollars.

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