One-Liners
( T )
Talking
She talks so much her tongue gets tired.
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* I have never seen her tongue. It moves so fast.
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* The only time my wife stops talking is when her mother starts. {ig}
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* It’s not what a man says that counts, it’s what a woman answers. (ig)
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Her mouth never gets 8 hours’ sleep.
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* I don’t mind that my wife always has the last word. It’s the waiting for it that I hate. {ig}
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She talks so much that every month she has to go and have her tonsils retreaded.
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We had a power failure in our house. My wife lost her voice.
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* I will never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time. {ig}
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* It isn’t so much what a woman says that hurts. It’s the number of times she says it.
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The first thing she will do in the morning is brush her teeth and sharpen her tongue.
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Tax
Finally, income tax day has come and gone. And so has my money.
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* After paying my taxes all I have left is a deficit. {ig}
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Taxes are what you have to pay for doing okay.
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Things could be worse. What if the Tax Office started charging for the tax forms?
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* I have no trouble filing my income tax. But I have trouble paying it.
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I’m putting all my money in taxes – the only thing sure to go up.
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The tax collector must like poor people. Because he’s creating so many of them.
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* No matter how bad a child is, he’s still good for a tax exemption. (ig)
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* As the world gets smaller, it takes more taxes to keep it together.
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* We used to have no tax after income, but now we have no income after taxes.
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* He discovered a wonderful way to avoid taxes. He doesn’t work.
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* You pay income tax like a strip-teaser. You take off as much as the law allows. {ig}
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When a man doesn’t gripe about taxes, he’s either very rich or very poor.
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Taxi
This cab driver gave up his job because so many people talked behind his back.
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* Traffic jam? I once sat in a cab for 20 minutes and the only thing moving was the meter. {ig}
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Teacher
My teacher has a reading problem. He can’t read my writing.
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My teacher really loves me. He kept me in his class for three years.
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My history teacher is so old, she doesn’t teach history; she remembers it.
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Teeth
* He can’t help being stupid. He got cavities in his wisdom teeth. {ig}
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* Now I know why she smiles all the time. Her teeth are the only things that aren’t wrinkled. (ig)
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Telephone
It is no fun to kiss a girl over the phone unless you are right in the booth with her.
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* My dad was very strict. We weren’t allowed to answer the phone until it rang.
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Telephoning is just like marriage. You don’t always get the right party.
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* I’m very famous. My name is even mentioned in one of the biggest books ever published: the telephone book.
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* I’m very famous. You can find my name in one of the biggest books ever published: the Bible. ~ LG {ig}
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My wife has been trying hard to keep a clean house, but yesterday the phone rang and she couldn’t find it.
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Television
* I’m in favor of longer commercials on TV. It’s the only chance I get to read my evening paper.
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Nowadays you have to be a success on radio before you can become a failure on television.
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* Shall we watch the 6 o’clock news and get indigestion or wait for the 11 o’clock news and get insomnia?
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* Today a minuteman is a man who can dash into the kitchen, prepare a sandwich and be back before the TV commercial is over.
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A TV sponsor is a man watches the commercials and goes to the kitchen for food during the show.
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* She’d leave her husband but he’s always watching TV and he wouldn’t notice it.
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On those TV medical shows you can see them cut out appendix and tonsils, but never the commercials.
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I never thought TV could cause anti-social behavior. Then my repairman handed me his bill.
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* Television gives me nothing to do when I’m not doing anything.
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Television has made a semicircle out of the family circle.
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Television is a wonderful thing. You meet so many people – mostly repairmen.
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Television is a wonderful medium. Imagine being able to reach millions of people who can’t reach you.
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Television permits you to be entertained in your living room by characters you wouldn’t ordinarily allow in your living room.
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* A TV set is an instrument with a picture in front, a loudspeaker on the side and an installment behind.
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* TV is good. Man prefers to watch TV than to argue with the wife. That saves many marriages. ~ LG {ig}
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* Did you notice that families on TV shows never watch television? {ig}
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We never go out. I sit at the TV set and smoke and my wife sits beside me and fumes.
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I have trouble with my new color TV every month. I can’t make the payments.
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* How come on TV the people always find parking space in front of a bank? {ig}
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All right, all right! I’ll make you supper during the next commercial.
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I’m now putting a kid through college. It’s the son of my TV repairman.
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There are so few books in our house that if the TV breaks down, we’ll have to talk to each other.
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I find TV very educating. Everytime my wife turns on the set, I go into the next room and read a book.
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Thanksgiving
At Thanksgiving what does a turkey have to be thankful for?
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Travel
Tourists spend most of their time taking pictures so they can get home and finally see what they saw.
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Tourists are people who climb a 7000-foot mountain to put a dime in a telescope so they can see where they came from.
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* Tourists in Hawaii are easily identifiable because they’re the only people wearing Hawaiian shirts. ~ Dave Barry {ig}
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However far you travel, you will never find the girl who smiles out at you from the travel brochure.
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All famous theme parks share a same theme: ‘Queue Here.’
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Trouble
* He has so many troubles that if anything bad happens, he has to postpone it a few weeks. {ig}
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* Trouble? My wife left me two weeks ago but my mother-in-law didn’t. {ig}
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* Troubles? What about the deep sea diver coming up, who passed his ship going down. {ig}
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“It’s a Catch 29 situation.”
“You mean Catch-22.”
“No, it’s worse than that.” ~ Patient and psychiatrist, Help
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* “Are you in town?”
“I’m in deep shit.”
~ Thelma and Louis {ig}
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