One-Liners
( S )
Secretary
I call her ‘switchboard’ because when she walks all her lines are busy.
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* Sure, I can write shorthand, but it takes a little longer.
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* When a man is always late for dinner, either his wife is a poor cook, or his secretary is very pretty.
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I just heard that lipstick is poison. From now on I’ll kiss my secretary through a straw.
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* My secretary asked me for a new pen. The old one is beginning to make mistakes.
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My secretary can do 30 words a minute. No, not typing – reading.
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My secretary has a perfect attendance record – she hasn’t missed a coffee break in three years.
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* My secretary never makes the same mistake twice. She always comes up with new ones.
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* My secretary warned me, if I don’t give her a raise she’ll start wearing long skirts.
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* My boss just hired another secretary. Now he has one for each knee.
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* “Our automatic answering service is out of order. This is the secretary speaking.”
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“Boss, I need a new typewriter; this one makes too many mistakes.”
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* A confidential secretary is one your wife never finds out about.
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We already have noiseless typewriters. Now if we only could get noiseless secretaries.
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* “I have been wanting to meet you; my husband told me so little about you.”
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Every time I come up with a fresh idea, my secretary slaps me.
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* My wife doesn’t care what my secretary looks like, just as long as he’s efficient.
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A good secretary is one who can keep up with her boss when he’s dictating and ahead of him when he’s not.
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My secretary is very punctual. She comes in exactly a half an hour late very day.
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* When a secretary marries the boss, she gives up being a secretary and he gives up being the boss.
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“My dear girl, I don’t know how you do it. You’ve been with us only a week and you’re already a month behind in your work!”
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Sickness
“Doctor, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
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No wonder he has a cold. He has a hole in his head.
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* He has a bad allergy. He is allergic to work.
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* Sickness comes in four stages: Ill, Pill, Bill and Will.
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Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off.
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* We don’t get ulcers from what we eat but from what’s eating us.
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Pneumonia isn’t bad as long you don’t let it develop into a cold.
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I was finally cured of that pain in my back. I found out my suspenders were twisted.
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Singing
Her voice is too loud for indoor use.
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Sing? Her voice is flatter than her nose.
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The best thing about a popular song is it’s not popular very long.
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I like opera, but not all the singing.
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The last time she sang, all the dogs in the neighborhood came to our house.
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She sings with heart and soul. She should try it with her voice sometime.
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At a party, why is it always the person who can’t sing who does?
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If you think this song is old, wait until you see the girl who sings it.
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I once wrote some songs that were so bad, I had to rewrite them before I could throw them away.
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A quartet is a group of four, each of whom thinks the other three can’t sing.
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Sleeping
I missed my nap today. I slept right through it.
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I’m allergic to sleeping pills. They make me drowsy.
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I know I snore, but only when I sleep.
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* Smile and the world smiles with you. Snore, and you snore alone.
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Imsomnia wouldn’t be so bad if I wouldn’t lie awake worrying about it.
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* Why do people who snore always fall asleep first.?
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He is such an insomniac that when he’s asleep, he dreams he’s not sleeping.
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Sleep never seems so important at night as it does in the morning.
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* Many people spend money on pills to sleep and coffee to stay awake.
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Stock Market
* Even my blue chips are turning green.
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Even my blue chips look pale.
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Some stocks split, mine just crumble.
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* I invested my money in the market now: fruits and vegetables.
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I am broke because of my broker.
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Why do we call the person who is supposed to help us make money a broker?
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* I have an unusual stock broker. He specializes in stock losses.
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* I own a great deal of penny stock. Too bad I bought it for three dollars.
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If you want to see the stock market hit a new high, hold the chart upside down.
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* This week I’m doing fine on the market. My broker is on vacation.
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Stupidity
When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
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Supermarket
Nothing goes faster than a $10 bill in a supermarket.
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When my wife goes to the supermarket, she has shelf-control.
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* The high cost of living doesn’t bother me when I enter the supermarket. It’s the high cost of leaving!
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