One-Liners
( P )
Party
I want a third party. I didn’t enjoy my first two.
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Peace
* I saw a girl carried this big sign saying: MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR – with a price on it!
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People
* There are really three kinds of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who don’t know what happens.
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People used to settle their problems over coffee and cigarettes. Now that’s their problem.
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* Half the people in Washington are hoping to be discovered, and the other half are afraid they will be.
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Photography
After he looked at his passport photo he decided he looked so bad, he better stay home and rest.
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* “I don’t look natural in this photo.”
“Of course you don’t. The photographer asked you to look pleasant.”
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Police
He is now a police reporter. Twice a week he has to report to the police.
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Pollution
* The air was so bad this summer. I had to buy three air conditioners: two died of air poisoning.
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* The fog was so thick, we couldn’t see the pollution.
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* If you are in an under-developed country, don’t drink its water. If you are in a developed country, don’t breathe its air.
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People in Los Angeles have a wonderful diet. They eat only when the air is clear.
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People now talk through their noses – they’re afraid to open their mouths.
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After I took a deep breath, I had to ask for a toothpick.
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Our sky is much clearer than in London because we have more skyscrapers.
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I shot an arrow into the air and it got stuck there.
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Pollution is getting worse. I put air in my tires and they coughed.
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Pollution has become so bad, we now pray: Give Us This Day Our Daily Breath!
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Pollution? Three firemen were treated for smoke poisoning while responding to a false alarm.
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* Air pollution doesn’t bother my wife. She doesn’t stop talking long enough to take a deep breath.
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In my home town, the kids built smog men.
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* Our government wants to do something about pollution – as soon as they can see their way clear.
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* The only good thing about polluted air is that it’s better than no air at all.
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* The air isn’t too bad if you chew on it for a while before you swallow.
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The air is so thick now, you can feel it.
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The air is getting so polluted these days that people are coughing outside of churches, too.
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Popularity
They gave him a farewell dinner. In return he gave his colleagues happiness for the first time in his whole employment.
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People forget him while they’re shaking his hand.
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They gave him a Testimonial Dinner and nobody showed up.
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Post Office
Instead of raising the price of the postage stamps, why don’t they just use smaller stamps?
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* Postage is so high now, every time you mail a get-well card you get sick.
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Poverty
We didn’t live on the wrong side of the tracks. We lived on the tracks.
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Cheer up, my friend. The less you have the more there is to get.
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My dad couldn’t afford a bicycle for me, so he took off the B and gave me an icicle.
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For my birthday I used to get a picture of a birthday cake.
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Burglars used to break into our house and leave things.
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When we once got a loaf of bread, we had to ask how to cut it.
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