One-Liners
( I )
Illness
I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better. ~ Samuel Butler
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Illusion
Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live. ~ Mark Twain
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Infidelity
* “I’m not a suspicious woman but I don’t think my husband has been entirely faithful to me.”
“Whatever makes you think that?”
“My last child doesn’t resemble him in the least.”
~ Noel Coward
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* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
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* “I have a good wife. She is kind and understanding when I come home after a hard day in office.”
“I have a good secretary. She is kind and understanding when I come to the office after a hard day at home.”
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I could never have sex with any man who has so little regard for my husband. ~ Dan Greenburg
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* I said to the wife, ‘Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one.’ And she said, ‘I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23.’ ~ Max Kauffmann
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* I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.” ~ Henny Youngman
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Inflation
* Inflation is the time when half your money goes up in smoke, and you need the other half to put out the fire.
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* Inflation is the time when you have too much month left over at the end of the money.
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* Inflation is the time when you earn $5 an hour and your wife spends $6 a minute at the supermarket.
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* Inflation is the time when your pockets are full and your stomach isn’t.
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* Inflation is the time when you do more for the dollar than it does for you.
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Inflation is the time when money you haven’t got is worth less than before.
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Inflation is a method of cutting a dollar bill in half without damaging the paper.
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Inflation is a shot in the arm that leaves a pain in the neck.
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Inflation is something that may be hazardous to your health.
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Inflation has turned life into a game of golf: even when you get to the green, you still wind up in the hole.
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Inflation has created a brand new economic problem: windfall poverty.
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* Inflation raises everything but hopes.
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* Inflation wouldn’t be so bad if the prices didn’t keep going up.
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* Inflation wouldn’t be so bad if we wouldn’t have a depression at the same time.
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* The real reason so many people are not working is because they are unemployed.
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If things get any worse, a pessimist will be anyone who believes an optimist.
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The high interest rates are giving many growing concerns growing concern.
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* The hardest thing to get hold of these days is easy money.
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This is the age of enlightenment. Every time I pick up my wallet, it’s lighter.
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* It’s no trick to meet expenses. The tough job is to avoid them.
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We’re living in unusual times. We have pocket calculators, pocket cameras, pocket radios – everything for the pocket but money.
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Why didn’t they have the depression when everybody was working?
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* Things are really rough now. I saw a supermarket with a recovery room.
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They now have a magazine about inflation; it’s called Payboy.
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* Now you can see $10 shoes marked down from $30 to $27.95.
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To help inflation and avoid pollution, just buy a new car and then don’t drive it.
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* Fight the rising cost of living: eat at the in-laws!
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So eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow it will cost more.
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Talking about the high cost of living, the only thing coming down is the rain and even that soaks you.
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* Inflation doesn’t affect me. I still pump $20 of petrol each time.
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Among the things that money can’t buy is what it used to. ~ Max Kauffmann
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There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everyone. ~ Adlai Stevenson
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* Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. ~ Henny Youngman
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Insurance
* A: “I retired on my insurance payout because of a fire that ended my business.”
B: “Me too, but mine was because of an earthquake.”
A: “How did you create an earthquake?”
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* I took a physical (checkup) for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft. ~ Henny Youngman
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Intellectual
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower
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Investment
Choose stocks the way porcupines make love – very carefully.
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* Now I’m really in trouble. The laundry just rang me to tell me they’ve lost my shirt. And my broker called to say the same thing. ~ Max Kauffmann
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It is not the return on my investment that I am concerned about; it is the return of my investment. ~ Will Rogers
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