One-Liners
( H )
Hair
* Hair is the only thing that will prevent baldness.
–
One thing about baldness, it’s neat.
–
She’s so tough she uses barbed wire for a hairnet.
–
She’s dyed her hair so many times she has Technicolor dandruff.
–
* Rubbing hair restorer into your head will give you very hairy fingertips.
–
Being bald has its advantages: you’re the first one to know when it starts raining.
–
She put salt on her wig to make believe she has dandruff.
–
* She has black hair and nails to match.
–
Lately my hair is getting thin. So what? Who wants fat hair?
–
* Ever since I put grease on my hair, everything slips my mind.
–
* My hair is so wavy people get seasick looking at it.
–
Tell a girl her hair looks like a mop and she doesn’t mind it, she doesn’t know what a mop is.
–
* “How did you lose your hair? Worrying?”
“Yes, worrying about losing my hair.”
–
Hand
* First I couldn’t get her off my mind, now I can’t get her off my hands,
–
It’s much better to have your hands on a gal than a gal on your hands.
–
How to drive a nail without smashing your fingers? Have your wife hold the nail.
–
* “May I hold your hand?”
“No, thanks. It isn’t heavy.”
–
Pardon me, but I don’t think your hand and my leg have been introduced.
–
Hell
* If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill
–
I won’t talk bad about hell or heaven because both I have friends.
–
Read the Bible – It will scare the Hell out of you. ~ Church’s signboard
–
Hotel
Do you have any suitable accommodations where I can put up with my wife?
–
When people go to summer hotels for a change and rest, the bellboys get the change the hotel gets the rest.
–
If you want to stay overnight, you’ll have to make your own bed. Here are the boards and some nails.
–
They just opened a little hotel near the lake and they call it the Dew Drop Inn.
–
This hotel is so swanky, you have to wear a tie to go to the swimming pool.
–
This hotel is so swanky, they butter your toast on both sides.
–
This hotel is so swanky, they show movies in the elevators (lifts).
–
This hotel is so swanky, they put out a red carpet on the beach.
–
* Boy, what a hotel that was. They stole my towel. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
–
A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future at what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. ~ Rich Hall
–
House
* I come from a broken home. My kids have broken everything in it.
–
I call it a dream house because it forever remains a dream.
–
* I have a split-level house. I own half and the bank owns the other half.
–
I’m enlarging my apartment. I’m scraping off the wallpaper.
–
Mother had to let the maid go, because father wouldn’t.
–
* There’s no place like home if you haven’t got the money to go out.
–
* There are only two kinds of houses on the market: the kind you don’t want and the kind you can’t afford.
–
I don’t know who wired our house, but every time the phone rings, the lights dim.
–
My landloard is always asking me to pay him his rent. To pay his rent? I can’t even pay my own!
–
* There are two happy days with a new house. The day you buy it and the day you sell it.
–
We have company in our house every day. The gas company, the mortgage company, and the electric company.
–
Our house is so big, when it’s five o’clock in the living room, it’s seven o’clock in the kitchen.
–
We were offered a house in our price range, but it was in Alaska.
–
Humility
Humility is like underwear – essential, but indecent if it shows. ~ Helen Nielsen
–
The proud man counts his newspaper clippings – the humble man his blessings. ~ Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
–
Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great. ~ Golda Meier
–
Husband
My husband doesn’t know the meaning of fear. But then there are many things he doesn’t know.
–
My husband grew a beard and now he kisses me through a straw.
–
A considerate husband is one who remembers to oil the lawnmower for his wife before he goes out to play golf.
–
Husbands are like cars. If you take care of them, you don’t have to get a new one all the time.
–
* Almost every woman finds a perfect husband. It’s usually the man married to her neighbor.
–
Husband are just like the government. They promise a lot more than they can deliver.
–
“My husband cheats on me!”
“What does that mean – cheat? You mean you didn’t know you should hide your purse and the maid?”
–
Hypocrisy
The only vice which cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy. ~ William Hazlitt
–