One-Liners
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Dance
When kids dance nowadays they don’t talk, they don’t touch, they don’t even look at each other. Just like being married for 30 years.
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This place was so old-fashioned, the couples were dancing together.
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Nowadays you never know if your partner is a good dance or if he’s drunk.
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* The big advantage in dancing with a fat girl is that your toes are safe.
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The girl who can’t dance says the band can’t play. ~ Jewish proverb
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* I know a fellow who when he dances he’s all feet and when he stops he’s all hands.
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* “Until I met you, life was just one big desert.”
“Is that why you dance like a camel?”
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Date
A modern mother worries when her daughter comes home early from a date.
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Jim and I? We’re not going steady any more. I went on a blind date and there he was.
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* They met on a blind date and it ripened into friendship, then it rotted into marriage.
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My date was very interesting. She was so eager she wore a bridal gown.
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Debt
* I think adults are just children who owe money.
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If you owe $100, you are a poor man. If you owe $100,000, you are a business man. If you owe $100,000,000, you are government.
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Diet
* There’s no use going on a diet if you have to starve to death to live longer.
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* Nowadays people on diet have to starve to death in order to live longer.
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New diet food comes in cans. You open it and there’s nothing in it.
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No wonder she’s fat. She claims eating makes her hungry.
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* Here’s a new diet. You can eat all you want – steaks, spaghetti, ice-cream – but only with chopsticks.
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* She skips breakfast and luncheon, then spends the day munchin’.
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* When she went on a diet, the first thing she lost was her temper.
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It’s not difficult to diet these days. Just eat what you can afford.
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* An onion builds you up physically and tears you down socially.
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She lost ten pounds lately. She is now on a low salary diet.
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* If low calories diet fails, try low salary diet.
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The best reducing plan is to keep your mouth and the refrigerator shut.
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Dieting is a trying time when you stop eating food and start eating calories.
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The trouble with reducing is that it calls for less food and your appetite calls for more.
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She takes her reducing pill twice a day in a chocolate malt.
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* She won’t eat anything that starts with the letter Z.
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They now have a new diet – watch your food! Just watch it, don’t taste it!
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Whenever my wife goes on a new diet, all she loses is her sense of humor (or temper).
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By the time you’re making enough money to afford sugar, your doctor says you can’t have it.
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For lunch I had a large pizza with sausage, pepperoni and extra cheese. And then a diet cola.
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* The toughest part of dieting isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what your friends eat.
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A health addict is one who eats health food so he won’t ruin his health and have to eat health food.
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Everything is relative: a two-week vacation never seems as long as two weeks on a diet.
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The best place for the bathroom scale is in front of your refrigerator.
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* I bought a reducing machine. Now I’m starving to death to keep up the payments.
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* I bought a reducing machine. I lost weight because of the keeping up of the payments.
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It took a lot of will power, but finally I gave up trying to diet.
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It takes a lot of will power for a person to finally give up trying a diet.
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More diets begin in dress shops than in doctor’s offices.
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Calories don’t count – they multiply!
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You should watch your diet – not eat it!
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Divorce
* I never even believed in divorce until after I got married. ~ Diane Ford
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“She says she wants a divorce.”
“What? Just because she caught him flirting with a couple of nurses?”
“She was giving birth at the time.” ~ Ken and Joe, Early Doors
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* Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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* In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and to continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~ Robert Anderson
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* Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash. ~ Rita Mae Brown
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* A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you. ~ Margaret Atwood
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* Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Divorce costs more than marriage but men find worth it.
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Doctor
* My doctor, before treating my nose and ear, asked for an arm and a leg.
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* My doctor couldn’t be a very good doctor. All his patients are sick.
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My doctor cured me of insomnia, but still, I lie awake half the night thinking about my sleeplessness.
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* When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. ~ Joey Bishop
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* Doctor: “If I find an operation necessary, would you have the money to pay for it?”
Patient: “Listen, if I didn’t have the money, would you find the operation necessary?”
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* Patient to Doctor: “I can’t afford to pay your bill, Doctor. I slowed down just as you advised me months ago, and I lost my job!”
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* Doctor: “Now you need two anesthetics for your operation. One to put you to sleep, and another when you see the bill.”
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* When I told my doctor about my loss of memory he made me pay in advance.
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* Doctors have made great medical progress in the past generation – what used to be an itch is now an allergy.
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* Medical advances are so wonderful – now the doctor can keep his patient alive long enough to pay his bills.
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* Hospital: 1) a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. 2) a place where they treat you for cold and then give you heart disease when you get the bill.
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* Hospital: a place where they treat you for previous heart attack and then give you the latest heart disease when you get the bill.
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* This was found in the Medical History Questionnaire: “Do you pay your doctor bills promptly?”
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* My wife finally worked out our budget – but one of us has to stay healthy, forever.
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* The doctor felt the patient’s PURSE (not pulse) and admitted that there was nothing he could do.
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Sure, hospital bills are high, but where else can you get breakfast in bed?
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* A doctor gave a patient six months to live. But when the man didn’t pay he gave him another six months.
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* Doctor: “What’s wrong with you?”
Patient: “I lost my memory.”
Doctor: “When did this happen?”
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* One of the rules in a hospital – “No patient should leave the hospital until he is strong enough to face the cashier.”
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Dog
* A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ~ Josh Billings
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* A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. ~ Jay Leno
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Drink
I gave up drinking. Now I have nothing to live on but food and water.
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I don’t spend all my money on drinks. I save some for luxuries.
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Whiskey may shorten your life, but you’ll see twice as much in half the time.
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* He drinks only to forget and the only thing he forgets is when to stop.
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He is the only man who wears sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glare of his nose.
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He never drinks too much, but one night he came home, opened the closet door and said, “Third floor, please!”
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* I have read so much about the bad effect of drinking that I gave up reading.
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* When a man drinks too much he has two reasons: either he’s married or he’s single.
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* Congress is shrewd. First they put a tax on liquor. Then they raise the taxes to drive people to drink.
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* When I don’t feel well, I drink and when I drink, I don’t feel well.
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Drugstore
Aspirin is a miracle drug. A year’s supply usually disappears in a month.
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* Expensive medicines are always good, if not for the patient at least for the druggist.
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* They discovered a new miracle drug. It’s inexpensive – that’s the miracle.
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* They now have a new miracle pill. You take two and you feel so bad you can’t remember what ailed you in the first place.
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Try our new cough medicine – you’ll never get any better!
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