One-Liners
( C )
Car
My car has three speeds: pull, push, and neutral.
–
* My car has every convenience except a push button to lower the payments.
–
* My car has something that will last a lifetime: monthly payments.
–
My car has two speeds: slow and stop.
–
My car is so long, it takes five minutes to go through a two-minute car wash.
–
My car is so old, the insurance covers fire, theft and Indian raids.
–
My car is so small, I have to go to Juvenile Court to pay my parking tickets.
–
My car just came back from the auto laundry and all the buttons are missing.
–
My car never skids, never breaks down, never gets a flat – I only wish I could start it.
–
* My car was being recalled to correct three missing payments.
–
My car works on push buttons. If the buttons don’t work, you get out and push.
–
My tires are so thin you can almost see the air.
–
The trouble is that the car of tomorrow is being driven on the highway of yesterday by the driver of today.
–
* Driving while drunk is almost as dangerous today as walking while sober.
–
I drove to California in six days – four days to drive there and two days to refold the maps.
–
My wife is so emotional that she cries when a traffic light is against her.
–
Don’t complain about the heavy traffic. Fewer cars on the road could mean even harder to find a parking place.
–
* “I’m out of gas. Will it hurt my car if I drive with an empty tank?”
–
It’s not a cheaper car that people want – it’s an expensive car that costs less.
–
* This man bought an electric car but could only go as far as the cord would reach.
–
My wife wanted a foreign convertible, so I bought her a rickshaw.
–
* My new car has something that will last a lifetime – monthly payments.
–
Some joy rides extend from here to maternity.
–
The only time I suffer from car-sickness is when the payments are due.
–
This car is very economical. It only uses oil when the motor is running.
–
Every time my wife finds an empty parking space she reminds me to buy a car.
–
Nothing improves your driving like a police car following you.
–
“Are you a safe driver?”
“Who wants to drive a safe?”
–
“Why did you park your car here?”
“The sign says: ‘Fine for parking!'”
–
“Didn’t you see the 25-mile per hour sign?”
“No, sir, I was driving too fast to see it.”
–
“Why didn’t you slow down?”
“The car behind me was going too fast and too close.”
–
* “Who was driving when you hit the lamp pole?”
“Nobody, sir. We were all in the back seat.”
–
“My wife ran away with another man in my new car.”
“So you are here reporting your wife or your car?”
–
“Did you save anything for a rainy day?”
“Yes, washing my car.”
–
Cat
* A cat is an animal that never cries over spilled milk.
–
* “You mustn’t pull the cat’s tail!”
“I’m not. I’m only holding it. The cat is pulling.”
–
* “Name four animals of the cat family.”
“The father cat, the mother cat and two kittens.”
–
* “Is it really bad luck to have a black cat following you?”
“Well, it depends on whether you’re a man or a mouse.”
–
Check / Checkbook
My wife loves to sign checks – on the back.
–
* At home, I’m the only person who can sign on the check. My wife can only sign on the back.
–
Don’t count your checks before they are cashed.
–
Honey, the reason I am always overdrawn is because you always under-deposit.
–
* “Officer, how can I be overdrawn when I still have 25 checks left?”
–
Chicken
Chickens are the only animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
–
We have chicken pox. Do chickens have people pox?
–
“Waiter, just look at that chicken. It’s nothing but skin and bones!”
“Would you also like the feathers?”
–
* “That’s rather a small egg, isn’t it?”
“Give it a chance. It was only laid yesterday.”
–
Children
I have to go home now. If I’m not home by 10pm, my father rents out my room.
–
Well, if you don’t buy me some ice-cream I’ll call you Grandma in front of all those people!
–
* Ma, if the Lord gives us our daily bread, and Santa brings presents, and the stork brings babies, then what’s the use of having Daddy around?
–
Ma, how can I button my dress when all the buttons are in the back and I’m in the front?
–
Daddy, I know matches are made in heaven but where do cigar lighters come from?
–
Here is my report card, Dad, and one of yours I found in the attic.
–
But, Dad, why can’t I marry your mother? You married mine!
–
* If ink is not expensive, then why did mother get so upset when I spilled a whole bottle on the new carpet?
–
* Boy to girl: “Actually, you are opposite sex or I’m opposite sex?”
–
* I don’t get the best marks in school, dad. Do you get the best salary at the office?
–
Now, listen, children. There will be a special prize for any child who leave this party right now!
–
It is proven that children hold a marriage together while tearing the house apart.
–
* I’m not worried about what modern children know – I’m just worried how they found out.
–
* As a child, I was the type of a kid my mother told me not to play with.
–
* My kid shows signs of becoming an executive. Already he takes two hours for lunch.
–
* My son is now at the awkward age: too old to cry and too young to swear.
–
* My son is now at the awkward age: too young for a credit card and too old for an allowance.
–
* Just when your children get old enough that you can say you can stand them, they can’t stand you.
–
* Today, children of 6 seem to know all the questions and at 16 they know all the answers.
–
Every family should have three children. If one turns out to be a genius, the other two can support him.
–
* You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going.
–
* Children have become so expensive that only the poor can afford them.
–
Children brighten up a home. That’s right – they never turn off the lights.
–
They kept their child in the refrigerator – to keep him from getting spoiled.
–
* There is only one perfect child in all the world and every mother has it.
–
* An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.
–
* “What’s wrong, son?”
“I just had a fight with your wife!”
–
“Should women have children after 35?”
“No, 35 children are enough!”
–
* “I never told lies when I was a child.”
“When did you begin, mother?”
–
“Why did you put a frog into your sister’s bed?”
“I couldn’t find a mouse.”
–
When my son was a little boy, he asked “Dad, where are you going?”
Now, I ask “Son, where are you going?”
–
Christmas
Christmas is the time when all that matters is the presents.
–
Christmas is the time of the year when women get santamental!
–
* Christmas always worries me. My wife gives me presents I can’t afford.
–
* Why does Christmas always come when the stores are most crowded?
–
* By the time I found a place to park, Christmas was over.
–
Misery is when Christmas has come and gone, but your relatives haven’t.
–
* She doesn’t want much for Christmas. Just a little radio with a Cadillac attached to it.
–
* There are two kinds of Christmas presents: those you don’t like and those you don’t get.
–
* I made a big mistake at the office Christmas party. I kissed the boss’s secretary hello and my job goodbye.
–
I gave her the best jewelry five dollars could buy.
–
* A Santa Claus went to a psychiatrist and said: “Doc, I don’t believe in myself.”
–
* Last year I explained to the children that there is no Santa Claus, and this year I’ll try to explain it to my wife.
–
* Christmas brings the big question of where to pay how much for how many of which kind of what to give to whom.
–
* I found something today that’s cheaper than it was two weeks ago – a Christmas tree.
–
* “Is your daddy home?”
“No, sir. He hasn’t been home since my mother caught Santa Claus kissing the maid.”
–
Church
* My friend is so Catholic he can’t get fire insurance – too many candles in his house.
–
* Churches, where souls are lifted, are empty. But beauty parlors, where faces are lifted, are packed.
–
* A preacher is a man who can keep women quiet for an hour.
–
* It isn’t true that gamblers aren’t religious. You ought to hear them praying for a winner.
–
* When a gamblers prays, he is damn serious.
–
* She sang in church last week and 200 people either changed their religion or place of worship.
–
Clock
Every time I ask what time it is I get a different answer.
–
“Don’t throw the clock at father, mother. It’s only a waste of time!”
–
He kept 100 clocks around the house since he heard that time is valuable.
–
“I’d like to buy an appropriate gift. Something timely and striking.”
“How about an alarm clock?”
–
Clothes
I never wear my new shoes until I’ve walked in them a day or so.
–
Isn’t that a fine suit? And so reasonable. Just two payments and a change of address.
–
* You’ve heard of strapless and backless gowns? Hers was shapeless and hopeless.
–
* You’ve heard of a girl wearing a strap gown with a strapless bra. She is wearing a strapless gown with a strap bra.
–
My new summer suit is so cool, if I wear it all day I catch a cold.
–
* By the time a man is successful enough to buy his wife dresses for a fancy figure, she no longer has one.
–
Every year women pay more and more for less and less clothes.
–
If a man can’t see why a girl wears a strapless gown, she shouldn’t.
–
* “That’s a nice suit you are wearing. I wonder if the style will ever come back.”
–
* Today women dress to show everything but their age.
–
I got her something for her winter coat – mothballs.
–
* This suit is guaranteed not to shrink – unless it gets wet.
–
She looks like she dressed in front of an airplane propeller.
–
* My raincoat has a waterproof label; the label is waterproof, but not the coat.
–
* My wife wanted a backless, frontless, bottomless, topless evening gown – I bought her a belt.
–
* She bought a backless dress that was supposed to catch men. All she ever caught was a cold.
–
She has worn that dress so often, it’s been in style five times.
–
* She just bought a reversible coat. What she really needs is a reversible face.
–
“You’re only wearing one glove. Did you lose one?”
“No, I found one!”
–
“Does he dress like a gentleman?”
“I don’t know. I never saw him dress.”
–
Coffee
* Each morning my wife and the coffee begin to boil at the same time.
–
* My wife needs a full day to make instant coffee.
–
I never drink coffee in the morning. It keeps me awake all day.
–
* What this country really needs is a 9 to 5 coffee break!
–
My wife’s coffee won’t keep you awake – unless you drink it!
–
* They now have a drink that’s part Ovaltine and part coffee. It makes you yawn but you can’t sleep.
–
* Some people drink coffee and can’t sleep. With me it’s just the opposite: when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
–
* My wife serves blended coffee – today’s and yesterday’s.
–
My father was killed by coffee. A 100 pound sack fell on his head.
–
The trouble with Italian coffee is that a week later you’re sleepy again.
–
She went blind drinking coffee. She left the spoon in the cup.
–
I bought an automatic coffee machine. But who wants to drink automatic coffee?
–
* I often wondered why the English were tea drinkers – until I tasted their coffee.
–
Nowadays it isn’t the caffeine that keeps you awake; it’s the price of coffee that doesn’t let you sleep.
–
* If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. But if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
–
She’s strong and always serves me weak coffee, even though she knows I like my coffeee strong and my women weak.
–
I always like my coffee heavy and strong. There was once I bent the spoon trying to stir the coffee.
–
* He is the kind of a guy who makes coffee nervous.
–
* Big trouble! He put sleeping pills in this coffee. The coffee wouldn’t let him sleep and the sleeping pill wouldn’t let him stay awake.
–
I found out that the best way to get a good cup of coffee in the morning is to wake up your wife first.
–
She always burns my toast so it goes better with her tasteless coffee.
–
“Is this coffee or tea? It tastes like turpentine.”
“Then it must be tea. Our coffee tastes like kerosene.”
–
College
He is so rich. He doesn’t even know his son is in college now.
–
I majored in Pharmacy. I always wanted to be a farmer.
–
“If I’m studying when you come back, please wake me up.”
–
I left my former school because of girl trouble. There weren’t any girls there – that was the trouble.
–
“What’s your son taking in college?”
“He’s taking all I’ve got.”
–
The exam questions were easy. I only had trouble with the answers.
–
“I spent four years in college taking medicine.”
“Are you well now?”
–
I flunked the history exam because they kept asking questions about things that happened before I was born.”
–
Columbus
One thing about Columbus, he didn’t miss the boat.
–
* What’s so wonderful about Columbus discovering America? It’s so big, how could he miss it?
–
* Columbus discovered America for only one reason: he wanted to give Europe a place to borrow money from.
–
All Columbus did was discover America. Look what other people have done to it.
–
“On what date did Columbus cross the ocean?”
“He didn’t cross on a date. He crossed on a ship.”
–
* “You don’t even know that Columbus found America?”
“I didn’t even know it was lost.”
–
Comedian
He is known as a character actor. When he shows any character he’s acting.
–
He once got a standing ovation – no chairs!
–
His fan club just met in a phone booth.
–
I would like to tell a joke but you would only laugh at me.
–
I know, I’m funny. When they ask me what I do, I tell them I’m a comic. It always makes them laugh.
–
Communication
The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use. ~ Washington Irving
–
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. ~ Robert Frost
–
Cooking
She can boil the softest hard-boiled egg you’ve ever seen.
–
Whenever I asked for very soft-boiled eggs, what my wife did was just to carry them through the hot kitchen.
–
A rare steak is one that costs less than $5.
–
Of course, all you have to do is prepare and cook it, while I have to eat it!
–
Tell me, honey, what was this before you cooked it?
–
* After asking about my wife’s cooking, my doctor advised me to eat out more often.
–
Women today may not know how to cook, but they sure know what’s cooking.
–
“Honey, what’s this on my plate, in case I have to describe it to the doctor?”
–
* It’s not bad manners to speak with your mouth full when you’re praising your wife’s cooking.
–
* Every time she tries out a new recipe from her mother I get a new prescription from my doctor.
–
* What I liked best about my mother-in-law’s cooking was that it didn’t cost me anything.
–
* His first wife could cook but wouldn’t. His second wife can’t cook but does.
–
“Do you know how to cook?”
“Certainly. My mother taught me yesterday.”
–
* “Do you say a prayer before you eat?”
“No, we don’t have to. My mother is a good cook.”
–
* “I cook and bake for you and what do I get? Nothing!”
“You’re lucky. I eat your cooking and always get indigestion.”
–
“How do you like my biscuits?”
“Very good. Did you buy them yourself?”
–
“How long do you cook spaghetti?”
“About ten inches.”
–
* “Doctor, I have an upset stomach again.”
“How many times did I tell you not to eat your wife’s cooking?”
–
* “Did I tell you you cook well?”
“No.”
“Then why you keep cooking?”
–
* My wife everyday cooks the same two dishes: Take It, or Leave It.
–
Cooperation
It takes no genius to observe that a one-man band never gets very big. ~ Charles Garfield
–
The purpose of life is to collaborate for a common cause; the problem is nobody seems to know what it is. ~ Gerhard Gschwandtner
–
The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side. ~ Margaret Carty
–
Credit Card
* Credit cards are what people use after they discover that money can’t buy everything.
–
* My wife pays her Diners Club Card with her American Express Card.
–
* Today you need a credit card to pay cash!
–
* Many a man’s wallet would be flatter if it weren’t full of credit cards.
–
* Credit cards have made buying easier but paying harder.
–
* Credit cards help you live within your income and beyond your means.
–
* A credit card is what you use to buy today what you can’t afford tomorrow while you’re still paying for it yesterday.
–
* Money is about the only thing that’s handier than credit cards.
–
Eat, drink and be merry today because tomorrow they might cancel your credit card.
–
* Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
–
Crime
Crime doesn’t pay unless you do it well.
–
* I wanted to tell the truth, but every time I tried, my lawyer objected.
–
* I know a burglar who is so successful, he stopped making house calls.
–
* Crime doesn’t pay but at least you’re your own boss.
–
* The judge gave me 200 years. It’s lucky I didn’t get life.
–
* A jail is the only place where they won’t raise your rent.
–
* A jury consists of 12 people who determine which side has the best lawyer.
–
Usually the fellow who shouts the loudest for justice is the one who wants it in his favor.
–
He went to jail for something he didn’t do. He didn’t pay his taxes.
–
* “Of course I didn’t stop when the policeman waved at me, Your Honor. I’m not that kind of a girl.”
–
“Guilty or not guilty?”
“What else have you got?”
–
“Do you plead guilty or not guilty?”
“How should I know, Your Honor, before I’ve heard the evidence?”
–
“Are you guilty or not guilty?”
“That seems to me a rather personal question, Judge.”
–
* “Please tell the court why you stabbed your husband 58 times.”
“I didn’t know how to turn off the electric knife.”
–
Criticism
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. ~ Benjamin Disraeli
–
Customer Service
Rule #1: The customer is always right. Rule #2: If the customer is wrong, see Rule #1. ~ Stew Leonard
–