One-Liners
( B )
Baby
* Isn’t it wonderful, doctor? Three more payments and the baby will be ours.
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“Honey, you’d better get up and see why the baby isn’t crying!”
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“Were there any geat men born in this town?”
“No, only little babies.”
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“We got a new baby in our house.”
“What did you do with the old one?”
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You have a new baby. We have a new Daddy.
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When I was born everybody was so happy. Even the doctor said, “I think it’s a baby!”
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Most babies born today are very young.
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All babies are subject to change without notice.
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* Many a woman’s mistakes are covered by a baby blanket.
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We feed our baby onions so we can find it in the dark.
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Babysitter
* Your babysitter just called. She wants to know where you keep the fire extinguisher.
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* I was offered a job as a babysitter. But who wants to sit on babies?
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* My babysitter was so absent-minded. She put the TV to bed and watch the baby.
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Bachelor
* Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
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* Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
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* A man who refused to fight used to be called a coward. Now they call him a bachelor.
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* After married, the man lost his bachelor, the wife got her master.
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Bank
I just read a book with nothing in it: my bank book.
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I just bought a house. On a clear day I can see the bank that holds the mortgage.
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I was a director at the bank. I directed people to the safes.
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* Anybody who can afford to pay the interest these days doesn’t need the loan.
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* Yes sir, your loan has been approved, but now you need another one to cover the interest on it.
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My checking account balances perfectly. I’m overdrawn exactly what I’m short.
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My bank just spent eight cents sending me a letter telling me I have two cents in my account.
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They turned me down for a travel loan. I only wanted enough money for a one-way ticket to Europe.
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My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit and she draws it.
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If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
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* The man who writes the bank’s advertising is not the man who makes the loans.
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* My friend ran the Chase National Bank for years. Now the bank runs a national chase for him.
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* He is so small they offered him a job in a piggy bank.
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* A joint checking account is never overdrawn by the wife. It is just under-deposited by her husband.
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* The latest drive-in bank permits a husband to deposit from the front seat while his wife withdraws from the back seat.
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Husband: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Wife: “Let’s start with your bank account.”
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* “Did you get the check I sent you?”
“Twice – once from you and once from the bank.”
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* “You’re looking for a bank cashier? Didn’t you hire one yesterday?”
“That’s the one we are looking for.”
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* “Can you describe the missing cashier?”
“Sure. He is five feet tall and $7,000 short.”
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* “Why are you putting that calendar in your piggy bank?”
“Because I want to save time.”
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* “My bank just told me my account is overdrawn again.”
“Try some other bank. They can’t all be overdrawn.
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Bar
Doctor asked me to watch my drinking. So I only visit bars that have mirrors.
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Many a man goes into a bar for an eye-opener and comes out blind.
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Barber
* He has such a long face the barbers charge him twice for shaving.
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* When one barber cuts another barber’s hair, which one does the talking?
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I take my hat off to nobody except to my barber.
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Bartender
* Please, bartender, put two cherries in my Manhattan. My doctor told me I should eat more fruit.
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* “Do you serve women at this bar?”
“No, sir, you must bring your own.”
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* “We like our liquor hard and our women soft.”
“Well, here, we like our liquor straight and the women curved.”
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Bath
Whenever you go to a place that features sand, sun and surf, you come back burned, bushed and broke.
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A bikini is half a bathing suit that costs twice as much.
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* Two kinds of girls wear bikinis – those who have the figure and those who have the nerve.
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Whoever designs women’s bathing suits is working himself out of a job.
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* Women are funny. They wear more when they take a bath than when they take a walk.
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* My doctor told me to take a bath before retiring. But the way business is going I won’t be able to retire for twenty years.
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Every time I took a bath my phone rang. So I complained to the phone company and they came and took away my bathtub.
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* My doctor said I should bathe in milk but I couldn’t get into the bottle.
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“My wife ran away while I was taking a bath.”
“I’ll bet she waited years for the opportunity.”
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* “Can you give me a room with a bath?”
“I can give you the room but you have to take your own bath!”
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“How did mother find out you didn’t take a bath?”
“I forgot to wet the soap.”
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Beauty
* It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. ~ Oscar Wilde
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If you want to be a stand-out beauty, mingle with ugly people.
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“She is the ugliest girl I ever saw.”
“Dear, you forgot yourself.”
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“May I see you pretty soon?”
“Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”
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Gray hair is a sign that her beautician is on vacation.
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* Every time I meet a beautiful girl either she is married or I am.
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“Darling, you look wonderful. What happened?”
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* Since I told her she has a nice profile, she’s trying to walk sideways.
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Lots of women still believe in miracles. If you don’t think so, just visit a beauty parlor.
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Begging
* Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and annoys one not to give to them. ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche
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Bible
It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. ~ Mark Twain
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Bill
* The stork is the bird with the largest bill.
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Birthday
I bought my wife an electric typewriter and now I have to look for a chair to match.
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She’d like to get a few cards for her birthday – like American Express, Diner’s Club and Master Card.
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I gave my son a book as a present, but he doesn’t know what to do with it – there’s no place to put the batteries.
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* Our air conditioner was doing fine until my wife lit the candles on her birthday cake.
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She made me a birthday cake and put the candles inside.
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We arranged the 39 candles on our colleague’s birthday cake in the form of a question mark.
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* I always remember my wife’s birthday. It’s the day after she reminds me of it.
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* “For weeks I’ve been telling you not to buy anything for my birthday and you still forgot to bring me something.”
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I bought my mother-in-law an electric chair for her birthday. She has not tried it so far.
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* When a man has a birthday he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.
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* I always remember my wife’s age but forget her birthday.
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* I was born on the first of the month so they called me “Bill.”
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* She’s celebrating the 25th anniversary of her 28th birthday.
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* My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
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I was so surprised at my birth, I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.
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* The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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* I think he was born upside down. His nose runs and his feet smell.
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* You’re getting old when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.
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“I was sure you would forget my birthday so I bought myself this fur coat.”
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“How come you were born in Iowa?”
“I wanted to be near my mother.”
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“In what state were you born?”
“Nude.”
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* “Something terrible happened in my office today.”
“What? Did they find your birth certificate?”
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* By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake, the first one had gone out.
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She had so many candles on her last birthday cake every guest got a sunburn.
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She had so many candles on her last birthday cake three people collapsed from the heat.
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She had so many candles on her last birthday cake they melted the cake.
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* I wanted to count the candles on her birthday cake but the heat drove me back.
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Blood
* They asked me to be a blood donor. How did they know I’m a blood owner?
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* Blood is thicker than water. But oil is thicker than blood.
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I have to stay up all night study. I have a blood test tomorrow.
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Blonde
I just figured out why blondes have more fun. You can find them in the dark.
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Boat
Big trouble! The deep-sea diver coming up passing his ship going down.
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* “Quick, send an S.O.S.!”
“How do you spell it?”
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“Do boats sink often?”
“Only once.”
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* “Should this boat sink, whom would you save first, me or the children?”
“Me.”
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Book
I read a book from cover to cover and found it very interesting – not the pages, just the covers.
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This book was so exciting, I couldn’t finish it until I put in down.
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The only kind of books I really like are checkbooks.
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My son has a problem in school. It takes him six weeks to read the Book of the Month.
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By the time a man can read women like a book he’s too old to start a library.
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* The only book that really tells you where you can go on vacation is your checkbook.
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I didn’t mind he kept borrowing my books till he asked to borrow my bookcase.
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* I’m reading a very unusual murder mystery. Seems the victim was shot by a man from another book.
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* Critic: “I don’t think you wrote the book yourself.”
Author: “I don’t think you read the book yourself.”
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* Critic: “I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?”
Author: “who read it to you?”
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* “It took me a whole year to write a book.”
“Stupid. You can buy one for 50 cents.”
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“What book do you like best?”
“My husband’s checkbook.”
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Author: “How did you like my book?”
Critic: “It was good, but too long in the middle.”
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Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in, you can’t expect an angel to look out. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer.
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Bride
The bride was so ugly everybody kissed the bridemaid.
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Bride: “Keep this carpet. I’ll pay for it. I may need to use it again.”
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She’s been married so often that wedding bells sound more like an alarm clock to her.
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* There are a few four-letter words that will shake up every bride – like cook, wash, dust, iron.
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* All brides are beautiful. So where do the homely women come from?
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A bride always looks stunning, and the groom stunned.
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* “Do you remember the time I was a blushing bride?”
“No, dear, I didn’t attend your first wedding.”
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Budget
So much of my money goes to balance the budget, I don’t have any budget to balance.
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My wife just balanced our budget. She cut herself down to 15 phone calls.
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The time to start economizing is before you run out of money.
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* My wife told me that she finally worked out our budget – but one of us has to stop eating.
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* My wife told me that she finally worked out our budget – but one of us has to stay healthy.
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* We figured out our budget just perfect. The money we owe is the same amount we had spent.
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If we have no balance, why budget?
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Bus
* The bus was crowded, even the driver was standing.
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* I was really insulted today. A bus driver asked me to move to the rear of the bus and the bus was empty.
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* All the buslines now have time-tables. However, you are advised not to leave on time as it would upset the whole schedule.
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* The best way to get a seat on a bus is to become a bus driver.
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He became a bus driver so he could tell people where to get off.
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You can always find an empty seat on a bus going in the wrong direction.
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* “How old are you, little girl?”
“I’ll just pay full fare and keep my secret.”
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* Why are you crossing the street when the sign says: DON’T WALK?”
“Oh, I thought it was an ad from the bus company.”
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“Why don’t you take a bus home?”
“I can’t. We have a small house.”
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* “Which end of the bus am I supposed to get off?”
“It makes no difference – both ends stop.”
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Business
He is a good business man! He sold me a Christmas tree a day after Christmas.
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* Business is so bad, people are returning things they didn’t even buy.
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They now have a computer that’s so human, on Monday morning it comes in ten minutes late.
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They say things are looking up, and they’re right. Food is up, clothing is up, taxes are up.
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Ten years ago he started on a shoestring and today he has two shoestrings.
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Last year I opened up a general store, but it failed. Seems nobody buys generals these days.
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All day I tell people to go fly a kite – because I sell kites.
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* Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you’re doing, but no one else does.
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* Our efficiency expert saved our compay 150 dollars a week. He quit.
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Boss, if you can’t give me a raise, how about the same pay more often?
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Business is so slow right now, a fellow walked into a place to change a $20 bill and they made him a partner.
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One of the hardest things about business is minding your own.
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* Yes, that’s right. I’m giving you a raise because I want your last week here to be a happy one.
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* Is there anything so embarrassing as watching the boss doing something you told him couldn’t be done?
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This is the lowest February sales we ever had, but it’s always this way before Christmas.
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This year business has gone directly from the summer slump into the fall recession.
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* Work faithfully eight hours a day and don’t worry. Then in time you will become the boss, work twelve hours a day, and do all the worrying.
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* There are two reasons why people don’t mind their business: they either have no mind or they have no business.
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* His business is now on a solid foundtion: on the rocks!
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“Where do you complain about the complaint department?”
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A sale is a place where a woman will ruin a $49 dress to get another one for $2.99.
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* Business is so bad that even the shoplifters have stopped coming.
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A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose anything systematically.
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* “How did you do it? You’re here only two weeks and you’re already two months behind in your work?”
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* “Are you really going to quit or are you just saying it to brighten my day?”
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We can’t fire her. She’s the only one who understands the filing system.
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The only one who watches the clock during the coffee break must be the boss.
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When the office staff is having a picnic it may just mean that the boss is on vacation.
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* “Listen, this is just a suggestion. You don’t have to do it unless you want to keep your job.”
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* My boss said if my work doesn’t improve he’ll fire me. He can’t. I don’t do anything.
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* Usually, business is very slow in the morning and then it drops off in the afternoon.
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* There’s one sure way to make a businessman worry. Tell him not to.
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* I always laugh at my boss’s jokes. It doesn’t give me a lift, but it may give me a raise.
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* “Boss, I’m now saving my coffee breaks. When I get enough together I’m taking Friday off.”
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* “I’m really not late, boss. That 15 minutes was my coffee break.”
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* I’m not a YES man. I never agree with my boss until he says something!
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* I just took an aptitude test. I found out I’m best suited for retirement.”
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“Why do you go for a haircut on company time?”
“It grew on company time.”
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* “Do you think you can handle a variety of work?”
“Should be. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”
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“When is the best time to see the boss?”
“Hard to say. Before lunch he’s grouchy and after lunch he has indigestion.”
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“Why are you asking for a raise?”
“Well, boss, my family found out that other people eat three meals a day.”
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* “You should have been here at eight o’clock.”
“Why, boss, what happened?”
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“What business are you interested in?”
“Everybody’s.”
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* “How’s business?”
“Fifty-fifty. In the morning we get orders and in the afternoon they are cancelled.”
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* “What’s going on? Someone just called up and said you were sick and couldn’t come to work today, and now you are here?”
“Boss, it was a mistake. He was supposed to call tomorrow.”
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