One-Liners
( A )
Abortion
* It serve me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. ~ Dorothy Parker
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Absentmindedness
* “… people were so confused that they’d stolen things, but never one so confused that they’d paid twice.” ~ Baroness Phillips
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Accident
* What an accident! I had the right of way but the other guy had the truck.
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I never had an accident till I bought a car.
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He had a bad accident. He tried to fly his plane through a tunnel without checking the train schedules.
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“So your uncle fell down the stairs.”
“Yes, he wanted to come down anyway.”
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“Mommy, Daddy just fell off the roof!”
“I know, dear; I saw him pass the window.”
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* “It is the overtakers who keep the undertakers busy.” ~ William Pitts
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Action
Never confuse activity with productivity. ~ Unknown
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All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move. ~ Arabian proverb
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Some men are heavy and stupid from indigested learning. ~ Thomas Huxley
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Adam and Eve
* Adam and Eve had no mother-in-law. No wonder the place is a paradise.
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* Adam never had to listen to Eve tell about the other men she could have married.
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* Eve: “Do you love me?”
Adam: “Who else?”
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* It wasn’t the apple on the tree that caused all the trouble – it was the peach on the ground.
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* The only man who ever enjoyed falling leaves was Adam.
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* Eve was the first in the world to say “Dear, please turn over a new leaf!”
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Adultery
Thou shall not admit adultery.
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Adversity
There are moments when everything goes well; don’t be frightened, it won’t last. ~ Jules Renard
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Advertising
* Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising. ~ John Lahr
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* The art of advertising – untruthfulness combined with repetition. ~ Freya Stark
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* Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark: you know what you are doing, but nobody else does. ~ E.W.Howe
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* Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half. ~ John Wanamaker
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Advice
* If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.
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* When good advice goes in one ear and out the other, it leaves a vacuum in between.
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* The trouble with good advice is that it usually interferes with your plans.
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Advice: the suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit. ~ Ambrose Bierce
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‘What would Jesus do?’ may be a good philosophy of life for some, but I find that it rarely helps me decide how much to tip a hooker. ~ Charles Gulledge
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A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good. ~ Kin Hobbard
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I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. ~ Harry S.Truman
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Find out what you don’t do well, then don’t do it. ~ Alf
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The average bride gets enough advice to last her for several husbands.
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* These few advice is enough for you to last a few marriages.
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* To avoid burning your hands in hot water, feel the water before putting your hands in.
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* The best cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee the night before instead of the morning after.
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Tip for doctors: In case of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.
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Advice to people about to get married: Don’t!
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* Advice to single girls: Never look for a husband – look for a single man.
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* Mechanic: “My advice, sir, is to keep the oil and change the car!”
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* Advice is something everybody gives but few take.
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* The best time to buy a used car is when it’s new.
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If you can’t convince them, confuse them. ~ Harry S. Truman
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Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. ~ Teddy Roosevelt
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Don’t ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
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If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
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It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. ~ Kehlog Albran
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When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble. ~ James Boren
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Three little sentences will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss. Number three: It was like that when I got here. ~ Homer Simpson
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* When I was a small boy, my father told me never to recommend a church or a woman to anyone. ~ Edmund G. Love
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* When a man seeks your advice he generally wants your praise. ~ Lord Chesterfield
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Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it. ~ Syrus
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Age / Aging
* When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. ~ Mark Twain
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You take care of every day – let the calendar take care of the years. ~ Ed Ywnn
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* Age is something that makes wine worth more and people worth less.
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* Age is mostly a matter of mind. If you don’t mind it, it doesn’t matter.
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Ask any woman her age and nine out of ten will guess wrong.
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It’s always tough to tell a woman’s age – at least for her.
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* Her real age is the only secret a woman would keep.
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* You should never trust a woman who tells her real age – a woman who would tell that, would tell anything.
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If you really want to learn a woman’s true age, ask somebody who doesn’t like her.
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* Forty was the most difficult age for her to pass – it took her eight years.
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* Twenty years from now the modern girl will be five years older.
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Growing old isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
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Why is it that a person your own age always looks older than you?
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* Finally she admitted she was forty… but she didn’t say when.
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* The three ages of men: underage, overage and average.
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I really don’t know much about growing old. After all, I never did it before.
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* You will always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
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I don’t mind growing old. It’s the increase in age that makes me sick.
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My uncle lived to be 100, and he owes it to mushrooms. He never ate them.
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
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* My wife is now 60. I’ll split two for one and get two 30s.
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* I knew her 40 years ago and she looked just like she looks today: Old.
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Old? He is at the age when all phone numbers in his little black book are doctors.
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Old? He gets tired brushing his teeth.
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She must be 28 years old. I counted the rings under her eyes.
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He dropped something on the floor and had to wait till he had to tie his shoelaces to pick it up.
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* The only thing worse than being old and bent is being young and broke.
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* One figure that’s always on the up and up is a woman’s estimate of her neighbor’s age.
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Most women won’t lie about their age – they just refuse to talk about it.
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* On man’s birthday, he takes one day off. On woman’s birthday, she takes one year off.
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* Every woman tries to take a few years off her age and add it on to that of another woman.
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* He always remembers his wife’s age but always forgets her birthday.
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“I wish I had been born in the Dark Ages.”
“So do I. You look terrible in the light.”
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* “I don’t look 35, do I?”
“No, but you did when you were.”
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* “Do you remember when you were born?”
“No, I was too young.”
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* “Did she tell you her age?”
“Partly.”
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You know what ages a man – boredom. ~ Marcello Rubini
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At twenty we worry about what others think of us; at forty we don’t care about what others think of us; at sixty we discover they haven’t been thinking about us at all.
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After eighty, there are no enemies, only survivors. ~ David Ben-Gurion
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By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. ~ George Burns
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Aim
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. ~ Don Marquis
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Brother, whatever be your goal: keep your eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole! ~ Dr Murray Banks
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Air-Conditioning
This place is air-conditioned. I’ve never seen air in this condition.
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We have an automatic air-conditioner. Every time the weather gets very hot it automatically breaks down.
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* I have 5 years full guarantee on my new air-conditioner – if I don’t use it.
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* My repairman refused to come and fix my air-conditioner. Claims it was too hot in my apartment.
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* Air conditioning is most useful during months that have no ‘R’ in them.
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Alaska
* Alaska is great if you happen to be a polar bear.
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You can tell when it’s summer in Alaska – the snow is wetter.
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Alcohol
* Most probably any alcoholic can’t buy insurance because of alcohol was found in their urine. This guy was rejected by insurance company because of urine was found in his alcohol.
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A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world. ~ Louis Pasteur
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* The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk. ~ Dorothy Parker
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I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis
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I’ve conquered that goddamn willpower of mine. Gimme a double Scotch. ~ Don Marquis
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Alimony
* He who loves and runs away may still be the one who has to pay!
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* There are only two ways to avoid alimony: either stay single or stay married.
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* My wife keeps reminding me that her allowance isn’t as big as her alimony would be.
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* If I don’t pay alimony this month, can my wife repossess me?
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Anger
* You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. ~ Indira Ghandi
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Anniversary
Anniversaries are like martinis: After a few you don’t bother to count them.
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Today I’m celebrating an anniversary – I’ve been broke for seven years.
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Antique
I nearly got killed yesterday. I went to an antique shop and asked: “What’s new?”
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* She was so old every time she went to an antique show someone tried to buy her.
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Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid of, and the following generation buys again.
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* “I’m a well-known collector of antiques.”
“I know. I’ve seen your wife.”
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Apartment
I live in a small, modern apartment. So I have very little room to complain.
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In our apartment we have a kitchen area, a sleeping area and a bathroom area – all in the same area.
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The walls in my apartment are so thin that I can hear the people next door complaining about the thin walls.
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* The walls of our apartment are so thin. I once asked my wife a question and got four different answers.
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The walls in our apartment are so thin that whenever my wife peels onions the people next door cry.
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They call them high-rise apartments because the rent rises sky-high.
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Army
* I joined the navy to see the world and spent four years in a submarine.
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* Never lose your head in a battle. You won’t have a place to put your helmet.
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* I couldn’t even enjoy the war in peace when I was in the army. My wife kept sending me nagging letters.
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The best way to stay out of the army is to join the navy.
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* She had a heart like the U.S. Army – open for all men between the ages of 18 and 35.
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* I was thrown out of the submarine service. I was caught sleeping with the windows open.
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We had five famous generals: General Motors, General Electric, General Foods, General Mills, and General Nuisance.
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* “What were you in civilian life?”
“Happy, sir!”
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* “Would you like to join the submarine service?”
“No, sir! I can’t sleep with the windows closed.”
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* “What is the worst month for soldiers?”
“A long March.”
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Art / Artist
* A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
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* It’s easy to recognize a modern painting. It’s the one you can’t recognize.
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* It’s easy to understand modern art. If it hangs on the wall, it’s a painting. If you can walk around it, it’s a sculpture.
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* An art school is a place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.
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* Artist to the model: “Quick, take off all your cloth. My wife is back.”
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The best way to tell if a modern painting is completed is to touch it. If the paint is dry, it’s finished.
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Rembrandt painted 700 pictures and Americans have all 7,000 of them.
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Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall – and then decide the hole looks much better.
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Association
* A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.
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Assurance
* The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte..
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Aviation
This is a budget airline, instead of showing movies they show snapshots of the pilots.
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This is a budget airline, you have to have the exact change to get on the plane.
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This airline is so eager to please you, if they don’t have what you want, they’ll send it to you airmail.
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* This airline was so poor, while they showed movies the pilot came around selling popcorn.
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* This airline was so poor, to entertain the passengers the stewardess told jokes.
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* This airline is so poor, they showed coming attractions of movies that would be shown on other airlines.
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* This airline is so poor, they show slides instead of movies.
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I wonder why our pilot just jumped out the window with his parachute. Maybe we’re in trouble and he went out to get help.
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On this budget airline, they show silent films so they won’t disturb the sleeping passengers.
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Jet travel lets us see less and less of more and more. Faster and faster.
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An airplane is the only place where you can’t walk out on a dull movie.
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We had a tough flight; the plane was bouncing around all night. The only person who fell asleep was the pilot.
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The jets are so fast nowadays, it’s possible to have breakfast in New York and then arrive in Los Angeles to find nobody awake yet.
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I refuse to fly. I have a terrible fear of movies.
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* It costs less and less each year to fly to Europe, and more and more to get to the airport.
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What bothers me is – if those space scientists are so smart, why do they count backwards?
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This airline is so cheap, all passengers have to chip in to buy gas.
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* I never travel by plane. The long trip to the airport makes me car-sick.
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* These new planes are so fast, you have to set the control for landing before taking off.
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* People who fly look down on people who don’t fly.
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* I have a fear of heights. Whenever I fly I ask the pilot to stay on the runway as long as possible.
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* Every year it takes less time to fly across the ocean and longer to drive to work.
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I even get dizzy looking at my airplane ticket.
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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
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* There’s still a bit of risk in aviation – the taxi ride from home or the city to the airport.
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Believe me, if you have to fly, go by plane!
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* This couple is so cautious they won’t fly in the same plane. They even take separate escalators in stores.
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* It will soon take only two hours to get around the world – one hour for the flying and one hour to get to the airport.
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* “I hate to be up there in a plane.”
“I’d hate to be up there without one.”
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* “Look, the people way down there look like ants.”
“They are ants. Our plane is still on the runway!”
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“Do you have any experience in flying?”
“I fell out of a window once.”
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